What now?

We have begun the year and I feel as though 2021 promises had us fooled. We were tricked into maybe thinking that the new year would help us all turn a corner or least that was the hope. On New Years Eve as we talked about the year to come I was super hesitant to talk about changes, goals, resolutions. I felt as though perhaps the calendar year didn’t really make a difference in what was happening in the world around us but I gave in and held hope too. I set out a few intentions that I will hold to. I have been thinking about my star word and how “sense” might be a good guidance to how to be present in our current world. Ana and I talked about hopes for the coming year.

We have had a week of 2021 and I have to tell you it has been a rough one!

I started a day or two before NYE with a crazy migraine. This has been the gift of my late 30s I have discovered. I get a really horrible migraine about every other month closely linked to my hormone cycle. So I wasn’t surprised to have one at this time and I thought that it had cleared up by NYE. We went on with our bubbles and our celebration but on New Years Day it was back…with a vengeance. When I could get to a pharmacy on Jan. 2 I went and just asked them to help me. They gave me medicine that worked. The next day I seemed to be a ok until later that night and it came back. This has been the case for the past week and a half. I have a good day and then the next day my head tells me otherwise. The meds seem to work but I am starting to wonder what is up. I have started paying attention to possible triggers and when I feel what. I am trying to get in tune with my body and subsequently January has so far been a dry January for me. I have cut out alcohol for now and have paid attention to screen time.

I even had scheduled therapy for Thursday evening thinking we could process the holidays here in lockdown but on Tuesday I was thinking…hey, I am using all of my resources and perhaps this will be a joyful easy checkin.

But then Wednesday happened and the world seemed really flipped upside down. And I hate I wasn’t surprised as the world saw white supremacy, terrorism, privilege of white conservatives and sedition on full display. And then a stricter lockdown was announced to hit us this weekend and some other concerns came into play and the world felt super heavy.

Thank God for a Thursday therapy appointment.

Yesterday I emerged trying to be present to all of it, right now. Trying not to get caught in news cycles although I did allow a bit of that. I walked with a friend, had tea with a neighbor from across her apartment and tended to my heart. I worked out in the morning and took my migraine medicine because my temples told me I was stressed and it was returning.

When lockdown first began and my family decided to meet on Zoom on Sundays (mornings for them and evenings for me), one day as we were talking my 5yo niece popped up and said clearly into the computer, “What now?” Ana just smiled with a huge smile and said to me, “You two ARE related.” The joke is that I am constantly echoing these words….well, what now? What would you like to do now? What should I do now?

And I feel a little back in that space…what now? And yet trying not to get too caught up in asking too much but being present in the now…but I can’t help but think…well, what now?

As I was wandering the other day I looked up a block away from home to see these arrows all the way down the block…

In the Camino world you follow yellow arrows all the way to Santiago and it kind of tickled me to see arrows in our own neighborhood. I am not sure where the arrows end up but it was somewhat comforting to see them leading me to our home. It was a nice reminder that we don’t always have to know the end point but we can be present to what the world might be telling us. Step by step. Moment by moment. Arrow by arrow. Sign by sign.

How are you doing? How are you processing? What is your body telling you?

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