Since day one this kid and I have been attached. Around here, we affectionately call me the “hotel” mama and Ana the “restaurant” mama. Early on we talked about what Tadej would call us. We are trying mom for me and mama for Ana although who knows what he will decide when he is talking. Mom and Tadej have had a special bond since in utero. When I preached he would flip, according to Ana. He knew my voice from before he joined us. He has a different special bond with mama. He and Ana do things that I don’t do, they speak a language I don’t speak, and they have a different connection. Equally special. Equally lovely.

When he was new to the world, he refused to sleep anywhere but on me, naps or nighttime. It didn’t matter. On me (thus the hotel mama reference). I would make sure we would sleep safely. I spent many nights arranging and rearranging to make sure. I couldn’t turn over but I also knew I wouldn’t. I was tuned into him and his presence in ways I never thought possible.

We asked our amazing midwife, “is this ok?” And she said, “attach as much as you can now. Comfort him, let him sleep on you. All this work now will pay off later. He will always know that you are attached to him.” While we sacrificed comfort and sleep there was also something so sweet, so comforting, and so natural about having him on me. Half of his life the first 5 months were spent in a wrap around my body. We were literally part of the same person. We could feel each others breath and heartbeat. He has always known that he has two mamas who are safe for him, that will fulfill his needs, and will be there for him for whatever and whenever he needs.

Fast forward and he will be 8 months old on Monday. When we moved to Oregon, we went through a modified sleep training process and transferred him to his own room and bed. He loves his floor bed. Tadej sleeps better and longer in his bed. While I write, he is currently taking his morning nap. The monitor accompanies my writing time so I can make sure all is well and be present if he cries out. The attachment we formed seemed to really pay off.

And now we are in a regression, right on time. There are multiple teeth coming in which causes discomfort, and his seperation anxiety is according to every blog, typical. We keep reading about what to do and every blog and article says to just comfort him when he cries out in the night, feed him, give him love and then put him back in his bed. Keep routine but be gentle on everyone. It is a stage that is rough but also necessary. He knows now that there is space between us when we leave a room but he doesn’t know time or understand time. So he panics and gets anxious and it is all part of reattaching, understanding and growing, and learning what it means to be human in the world as a separate human.

So in some ways he has returned to sleeping part of the night on me. The attachment is strong and just what we want but it also makes things hard. I spend way more time on the floor next to his floor bed, patting, reassuring, soothing, etc which is sweet but hard on my body and hard on my sleeping cycles. I am exhausted again just when we thought we were going to get to sleep through the night. I have so much compassion for our little guy and yet yearn for more sleep and more independence although I know that when we have all of that we will miss these sweet moments.

All in all we are so attached. For better or worse. 🙂