As we inched through this last week, I built up big plans for the weekend. We had little actually scheduled which is always a blank palette for me and my many options. Sometimes living in Berlin is a constant juggle between wanting to do all the things and explore all the places, travel to other amazing locations, and making space and time for the things we need to do at home, like sleep extra on the weekends. Or at least, this is a constant struggle in my own being.
This week did not turn out the way I thought it would. It started with Monday. I woke up Monday morning and felt weird. I thought it was because I needed coffee…food….I was a little dizzy and it was weird. I drank coffee and ate an egg, thinking those things would fix it. They didn’t. On the way to school I ate a pastry, thinking sugar would fix it. It didn’t. I got to class and got more coffee thinking that would do the trick. Nope. The world felt like I was on a boat and by our break at 11:45am I was starting to get nauseous. I asked my fellow classmates what they thought and they reported that I was a bit flushed and didn’t look right. I should go home. So I left early and headed home. When I got home, I laid down on the couch and promptly fell asleep for a few hours. I got up, Ana and I eventually went to dinner but I went to bed early still feeling kind of puny. I had made plans that day to go on an adventure in Berlin but I had to lay low and I was not happy about it. These times are prime homesick times as well. When things aren’t going the way I had geared up for, it often quickly turns into a spiral of missing things.
Ana reminded me that tomorrow is a new day and it was. Tuesday I woke up and was still a little tired but much better. I guess I really needed sleep. And those who know me how much I love to slow down….NOT! But she reminded me that Berlin will be here over the weekend and over our days here. Ok, a good reminder. The rest of our week was full and good things happened. And as a 7 on the enneagram, my mind churned with plans for our free days this weekend. We even had dinner with friends Friday night and talked about what each of us were excited to do over the weekend.
And then yesterday came and I woke up with a sore throat and snot and general feeling of grossness when you are coming down with a cold. For me, I know its coming but it sends me into deep denial. Noooo it can’t be…I am just a little tired…or its the weather…or change of weather….or you name it. Ana and I had planned to cash in on a hot air balloon ride but it was clear by mid morning that the weather would not permit it and sure enough when we called, no balloons were running yesterday. We went to brunch to make our back up plan.
The great thing about Berlin? There is always something to do. Yesterday alone we had read about the Soup Festival, Kite Festival, a couple of film Festivals and that was the just festivals! We decided to go home and relax and in a bit check out some festivals around our neighborhood. Little bit by little bit I was giving into the idea that perhaps it was a slower weekend than I had been hoping for.
Let’s take a moment to outline some things here….for those who know me, I love doing things and exploring things and I hate when I feel as though I am missing out. There is this tension in me always between what I am doing and what I could be doing. There is a lot of feeling as though I should be doing something other than I am in so many ways. It comes from looking at all of my options and planning all the time. It is a very stereotypical 7 enneagram thing and very much under the extreme extrovert category. And being in this place where I feel a time line and an excitement about where I am doesn’t help any of that. On one hand, life is short, so I want to do as much as possible but there is another side to things.
While on the Camino, there is a tendency to start to want to get places faster. It is this really weird thing that happens…its part competition that kicks in and part want to accomplish mixed with knowing that its not what its about. Its your Camino and its your pace. There is no should on the Camino although all of a sudden there are other pilgrims on the way that push a button in us that might turn that on. That definitely happened to me a couple of times and each time it happened I heard a voice, as clear as could be say to me…
“You have time. There is time. You have enough time.”
It happened a few times along the way. I heard it repeat in my brain…there is time. You have time. You have enough time. This would kick in when I started to fear I was getting someplace too late or too slowly. There is time. You have enough time.
I want to kick back….but there is only so much time! Life is short! And yet we have time.
So I find myself this weekend repeating this over and over again and while yearning to be doing all the things knowing in my own being that I need to be here this weekend, tending to my body.
We did go to the soup festival but as I started to wane instead of pushing to another festival, I finally agreed to go home. I then rested all afternoon and evening, drinking liquids and trying to be ok with this. “People do this, right?” I had to ask Ana. She is much better at resting and just being than I am and she just smiled at me. “Yes, Berlin will be there tomorrow and next week. People do this.”
This morning when I got up I felt in that space that I know I am not well and should not be out but not crappy enough to stay in bed. That’s the worst space. But instead of pushing I agreed that we should stay in today and read and drink tea and write and watch movies. The universe has helped by pouring rain all day but this was NOT the plan I had for this weekend…quite the opposite of finding new spots and new sights. BUT I have time. There is time. And for now its time to heal. It’s time to listen to my body…
even though it is not my comfort zone and not something I really enjoy. Here I am with my tea that I brought from the US trying not to be down about the plans that weren’t and trying not to be too disappointed but grateful for this cozy time.