On the 15th of May I turned 38, fully into my late thirties. 38 seems solid. 38 seems like there is some experience and life behind it. 38 is in some ways not what I thought it would be and in some ways acknowledging I had no idea what it could be. 38 is a whole decade after 20 something stuff and just before the established in my ways 40 something stuff. There are many more white hairs and my knees tend to ache although those beyond these years will tell me this is only the beginning. They still call me young.
38 has connections deeper than was expected but it means it took years to make them and the connections that were broader and broader seem to not matter as much as much as the deeper connections do.
38 knows what it means to kill time, waste time, run around in time, look busy in time and finally realize that time is a novelty to be relished. 38 no longer can cram as much into time but still tries many days. 38 has made foolish choices, said “I’m sorry” authentically and knows more about what it takes to care for my feet. 38 is slower to anger but when frustrated knows how to pull all the stops and has learned what an effective protest looks like rather than getting rallied up for just anything like the 20s had fire for. 38 is not afraid to cry at hard conversations, touching moments, things that hit a chord whether it be in intimate conversations or a movie.
38 is a point in life where I have seen things and it has changed me enough to know that there is so much to see and hear and do and be in the world. And yet I still feel as though I was just beginning on my journey to seek for life, God, purpose because at this point I have realized it is never ending, this search.
On the day of my 38th birthday, I booked myself a wine tour in Provence and met a new group of people. I ate really good food and walked along the sea by myself. I talked to the gelato guy and made sure I had really good gelato in hand as I walked and sang happy birthday to myself. I heard from friends and family and missed them dearly. I acknowledged that this is me with all of the white streaks, lumps and curves, scars and deep joys, confident in myself enough to walk along the sea and reflect with the moon.
I think this will be a good year.