Last night I had a hard time sleeping. I went to bed ok but woke up at 2am on the dot and tossed and turned and sat awake for a while. I stared up at the incredibly full moonlight through our window, thinking that perhaps this is what woke me. It was clear and bright. At 5am I woke with a start this time as the rain beat against the windows…again. So it will be rainy then. I sat and listened for a bit before going back to sleep for just a little bit longer and at 6:45 I was up and this time knew I couldn’t go back to sleep even though I didn’t want to leave my warm bed with little Luna cuddled up next to me. I have warned Ana that while she has been away we have sprawled and all will have to adjust (we are ok with adjusting).

I didn’t want to crawl out of bed because a) the rain was clearly pounding on and with the morning dog walk…well, it makes it less pleasant b) today was the first day of lockdown lite and people have been really upset about this c) I have absolutely nothing on my schedule today and if you know me you know that this isn’t ideal and d) my anxiety is starting to amp up because this is election week.

a) I like rain but this seems perpetual. As I write, however, in midafternoon the air has turned warmer and sunnier. The pups and I went on a much longer walk to allow us all to move and it seems a bit brighter. I like rain. I’m an Oregonian. It’s in my blood and yet the days of rain make me want to stay in bed.

b) lockdown lite? Yes, as of today for the rest of November, Germany is restricted. Restaurants, bars, gyms, theaters, sports, museums…basically anything recreational or entertainment based and inside…is now closed. The restrictions about how many people can meet are fewer as of today and the plea is that we stay as close to home as we can. Shops, schools and public transit remain open but again, if we an stay home, we should. The numbers have been going up, still nothing compared to US numbers, but enough to take heed. On one hand I think this is the necessary move. On the other hand, you can help but feel a hit like we are going backwards. It kind of sucks. It has been interesting to see how people react to this news…all museums and movie theaters were sold out this weekend, for example.

c) I have been treating this weekend and into today as a retreat as suggested by my friend, Kate. I like the shift of perspective although I am ready for school to start back up this week…hooray! I start classes tomorrow. Direction is always helpful. Purpose is even more helpful. Trying to know that I will be more directed soon and as for today let the retreat continue. I have talked on the phone, made applesauce (take that Fall!), walked the pups, done a little reading and plan to do more, went to the store and will be playing more guitar. Let the retreat include good food and self improvement and relishing the moments. Oh and talking to as many people as will let me over text and zoom. 😉

d) Tomorrow is election day. I voted weeks ago and took my ballot to the embassy. There is nothing more I can do. I talked to one of my dearest friends yesterday who I was sitting next two four years ago. We reminisced about every moment of that night. We remember what we said to each other, the couch we were sitting on and even what we were wearing. It hit me that those memories, burned into my brain, are almost a traumatic response. This year I will be on my own and while we knew more results immediately last time, I am fully preparing to not know results for a while. This election means so much to communities of people that I am in. And after this election means so much work any which direction. I can’t tell if it is better to be over here and with distance but not with people who get it or if it would be better to be there in the thick of the US. During the day I will have to find distractions and the evening will be about reaching out to others (and finding more distraction). The news will extend into Wednesday and beyond. We shall see. In the meantime, I acknowledge the anxiety that is prevalent around you no matter where you are. The world is full of that edge. This is probably what 2am was mostly about.

I have heard from two other friends that at 2am they woke with a start and couldn’t get back to sleep. Seems like our collective anxiety is waking us up. If you are awake at that time (Berlin time) maybe we can occupy that space together. Let me know. In the meantime, enjoy the retreat in the rain.