There are glimmers and moments in which we are just fine during this lockdown time. On Wednesday I started to feel the homesick creep back in and by Thursday morning it was full blown. I woke up with anxiety making my heart race because I had dreamed I was missing my nieces and nephews growing up without me. In my dream they were aging double time during the pandemic. When I woke up I realized, a) yes, I was missing parts of their growing up and b) at this point there is nothing I can do about not being able to move back yet. We do our best. We facetime on Saturdays and I zoom with the whole fam on Sundays. But these dreams and anxieties ushered my heavy homesickness right back in.
So while I wade through this batch of missing and yearning, I am looking for those glimmers and moments. I read Pema Chodron’s new book not too long ago. I think I have mentioned it here but I keep thinking about how she stages boredom. Boredom starts with massive anxiety about what we should be doing and then our beings settle into boredom where we are bored but just fine. It is neither bad nor good. There isn’t anxiety surrounding it. It just is. Not to say that we are bored but we are settling more and more into what just is with bouts of….NO! Not any more!…and then slide back into wait and see land.
The moments of seeing newness, enjoying life, and creatively moving through the world are welcome to my soul.
Yesterday I was nannying the 18 month old for the entire day. This means a full range of cuddles, tantrums and feels but it also means I get to stage naps and walks and fun things too. We went on a walk through the gardens nearby and after a bit of walking he rode in the stroller only to quickly get nestled in and fell asleep. The rosehips around the gardens were bursting with color against the blue sky. These rosehips were glimmers to me of what was and what will be. There are promises in those rosehips full with the past.
I stopped to admire but was glad for the walk.
I came home to a partner who was excited about a recent achievement and greeted me with lovely Italian bubbly and informed me that pizza was just ordered. We celebrated together and spent the time to talk and catch up rather than sit on screens.
I have ordered a light projector that projects stars on our ceilings. It is coming today so the creative dates in quarantine continue.
And today I was hankering for a peanut butter cookie…not my usual go to and not usually found here but then it hit me….Grant (my oldest of my three younger bros) sent me peanut butter than I have been savoring since the package came (there is peanut butter here but its just not the same) and I decided to use some of my precious Jif in cookies. I baked them and am fully enjoying a few with coffee while I soak in the sun in our lovely windows. I baked them after we took the dogs to the dog park and walked and walked. It is a nice reward.
It has to be the little things that give me joy otherwise this all would be hard to bear at times. Tonight I will read and prepare to preach tomorrow morning. I will get to facetime with nieces and nephews and try not to think about the things I am missing but enjoy that technology now allows us to see each other in creative ways.
How are you seeing moments that give you joy?