There is so much waiting in our lives currently which seems appropriate for Advent. Currently, Ana is in the hospital for observation and just until sometime today. As I write this, she is getting watched and ultrasounded a bit more and then she will be released but she texted me that the waiting is the hardest part. So much waiting.
Why is she in the hospital just for like 24 hours you might wonder?
In the midst of our waiting for baby boy, as each week passes, we know he is sitting up. He is contemplating the time and surprisingly doesn’t want to flip into the position he needs to be in to be birth safely. He is breech and has been for a little over five weeks. Each morning we can see his little head bulging as Ana is waking up. He is plenty active (much to Ana’s chagrin at midnight) and likes to move around…just not upside down. Who can blame him?
So yesterday, at the 37 week mark or technically full term, we headed into the hospital at noon to try to turn him from the outside. We arrived and waited for our COVID tests to be negative. Then we waited in the next room for the midwives to arrive. We waited after Ana’s IV was put in to get the medicine to relax her muscles. We waited for the doctors to arrive, two for multiple hands to help and then finally they tried to turn him.
He woudn’t turn. They would get him to move and I would watch as the head bulge moved a bit and then went right back to where he likes his head to be. Dang. Again. Dang. Again? Nope.
Baby boy has made his decisions and opinions known.
Then we waited for an hour to make sure all heartbeats were good and no contractions. We waited to make sure baby boy was happy back in his spot. He kicked and kicked in just the same spots as before. Little booger.
And then we waited to talk to doctors. Together time passes quickly though so that kind of waiting can actually be pretty bonding, lovely, with some tough convos but also what we are good at doing as a team. Ana and I like to wait together even when waiting is hard.
We talked about a C Section and then we waited for confirmation for a date.
Then we waited because the midwives and doctors were conferring about whether Ana should stay overnight to be observed. It was confirmed and we waited to be moved up to a room for the night.
By this time we have been waiting for baby boy 9 months (and more if we count the beginning of this process) and in the hospital for 5 hours to figure out what next due to his decisions of staying in place. We know we have more waiting to go and we are actually hoping for a bit more waiting. We both hate the waiting and need the waiting as well. We are ready but also not ready. Both/and process.
Ana got her place in a room and then I had to leave to take care of our pups…now we wait apart. Wait and see. Hope for nothing although the waiting is hard. Ana now has had a constant stream of waiting…waiting to be monitored again, waiting for the doctor to clear what they see, waiting for food and sleep, waiting for clearance this morning and waiting for the next thing so she can be released and come home.
This waiting is both boring and active…much how Advent resonates with me. The waiting is hard and the waiting is necessary.
I remember when I was in the hospital how I was waiting all day and night for the next meds, check ins, physical therapy, visit from Ana and I spent much of my time meditating, praying and breathing, allowing myself just to be content to wait. I had no where to be even though it seems that urgency is built into my being. I wanted to be elsewhere and yet I needed to be right there even when waiting seemed like empty hours.
This season of waiting adds so much to this seaon of liminality, of Advent, of holy time, of active waiting.
(I am writing this today mostly to also give Ana something to read. I love you, my wife!)